ugh.

I'm bigger than this place

I'm bigger than what's going on

I need to escape. to destroy everything as I leave. To shed it all and become something better

I myself am fail

But it could be different

Maybe

This is the end of the innocence

Been writing a lot lately. Fuck yall.

student teacher

One of these days I'm going to rip the stick from her asshole and beat the shit out of her with it.

There's no Greek Task Force to prevent hazing by life

Naive thought: Graduation is a time when a student can look back upon his own academic career and smile. The student proud and ready (though possibly reluctant), graduation is that seemingly panultimate accomplishment before we are able to "grow up," to transition from a student to a professional.

Subtitle 1: Naivety unwoven
Seemingly, I should be very excited right now. This entire semester, though, has just pushed and pushed me, put me down, worn my spirits...and this past week especially. Fuck.

This semester has been one long, creaky, churning meat grinder. I don't know what I want, all I know is I want it over.

Subtitle 2: Relish
My mom and I have a tradition that we've had since I was a kid. It's not Christmas-themed, but it'll have to do. Every year we make my mom's cranberry relish. We use one of those old-fashioned metal grinders with the giant crank on the side. You shove the cranberries and the oranges down into the metal shits inside, and you crank the handle and it's pushed up against a grate, thereby creating the relish that is ever-so-enjoyed by our family.

Isn't this our lives? Aren't we just shoved down by unmoveable fingers, prodded along, grinded into something useful not even for ourselves, but someone else or society? Before we reach that inevitable, unavoidable stage of our lives, our old selves have to die. It's a kind of circle of life thing.

I've never felt more used and so powerless as I have as of late.

Subtitle 3: The broken bond

Senior sendoff is a time when the seniors kind of get paid a modest homage for serving the chapter. It is the last time the seniors get to see some members of the chapter, and as such, it's kind of a special time. It's not luxurious or fancy, and it's not a big deal; senior sendoff doesn't usually go longer than an hour, and it's incredibly informal.

This semester, up until last week, I had heard no mention of senior sendoff. Being as how I'm a graduating senior, this worried me a little. I got on the phone to the pres and the social chair and everyone I could to try and get this going.

It shouldn't be my responsibility, but I worried it wouldn't happen without my prodding.

So a date and time was set which was kinda gonna interfere with an interview, but hey; I'd get there in time. Interview got bumped anyways and I was real excited that i'd be able to be on time. I gathered all my shit, happy to be passing it down to the younguns and others.

And senior sendoff didn't happen. Everyone was working or visiting friends at other schools. I've received apologies and the promise that "we've gotta do something to make it up to him" but it's all just words. It doesn't make any difference over what happened.

And I'm not gonna elaborate or QQ or go emo about how I expect this little thing out of a fraternity that I've contributed to and the friends I've made, but it's just disappointing. Greek organizations purport a lifelong bond, but I feel moreso like a rug was just pulled out from under me, that my inner feeling of brotherhood died an untimely death.

It's just sad, is all.

Subtitle 4: The long road to disappointment
So today I had an interview in Delaware. An hour and a half away. I was nervous, but excited.

When I got there to meet with the principal, the secretary seemed surprised, having heard nothing about our interview. The principal, I found out, had gone home sick, and not called me to let me know he couldn't make our interview. So I drove that long way home, for nothing.

Subtitle : The "why" factor
Why look forward to graduation? Why look forward to Christmas and teaching and all that shit? I just feel raw and down and shitty.

I just felt this whole semester like I'm being hazed. nothing is ever good enough, stressed all the time. Miserable. Life is shit.

Gay.

Inglourious Basterds Review

Sent off to the Snapper today, this is my soon-to-be published review to Tarentino's WW2 epic

Inglourious Basterds is not like every other war movie. Infamous director and nut Quentin Tarentino has seemingly done it again, paying tribute to another genre in a fresh way. As a matter of fact, Tarentino utilizes this movie to display a completely new way of looking at war films, and really, all films.

But first, a brief synopsis. There’s this whole Nazi takeover thing in Europe. The SS, led by Hans Landa “The Jew Hunter” (Christopher Waltz), are trying to stamp out the last havens of Jews in France. The opening scene introduces us to Shoshannah Dreyfus (Mélanie Laurent), a French Jew on the run from Landa, eventually settling in Paris under a fake name, running a cinema. In short, the Nazi government decides to show a new propaganda film in her cinema, an event featuring the “Big Four” of Nazi Germany. Shoshannah, along with her lover, decide to burn the cinema down with them all inside to avenge the fallen Jews in Europe. Meanwhile, the Basterds, an American Jewish demoralization squad led by Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt) ruthlessly kills, tortures, and manipulates their way to a final goal of assassinating Hitler at the very same cinema.

As with any Tarentino film, essays could be written about the maybes and possible intentions of their near-psychotic director. Basterds is no different.

In every WW2 movie, and in fact every war movie, there is the good (American) side and the bad (any other country) side. This formula, when discussed, almost seems hackneyed and utterly boring. Basterds changes everything. There is no good guy in Basterds. Every single party and organization in the movie is dirtied, cunning and ruthless. The Basterds, the Nazis, even the Jew hiding in Vichy Paris are all villains; there is not one single hero in this movie. Tarentino conjectures in this film that it is impossible to be a decent man in indecent times.

And thus the title. My compatriot, after seeing the movie with me, was curious why it was titled after the Jewish American squad, whereas their storyline only takes up perhaps 1/3 of the movie. Clearly the title is a catchall—the Americans, the Nazis, and this darkhearted Jew—all believe incorrectly their actions are for glory and good. But they’re not. They’re only bastards.

I’ll take this moment to talk to Tarentino fans. Rest assured, this movie has every single stylistic Tarentino effect exaggerated to the nth degree. Long, casual, at-first-glance insignificant conversations inhabit the movie. A David Bowie song plays at a very inappropriate time. Aldo Raine’s Nazi carving seems to pay a small tribute to the “ear scene” in Reservoir Dogs. There are intentionally cheesy effects, such as a Real World style arrow system to point out the “Big Four” of Nazi Germany in a crowd. The film takes a break for five minutes halfway through to explain how combustible old film reels were. There is a “Mexican standoff,” and even a conversation about what constitutes a Mexican standoff. There’s a lot of color symbolism, especially towards the end in the cinema. The sick bastard even finds a way to fit in voice-overs of Sam Jackson and (unbeknownst to only me, who has seen too many Tarentino films too many times already) Harvey Keitel. And rest assured, there is a Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction-style chorus spoken by Aldo Raine.

If you’re planning to see this movie, I’ve constructed a few pointers so you know what to expect, in case you’ve never seen a Tarentino film.

1) Basterds is not historically accurate. Obviously I can’t give away anything major, but the Basterds never existed and their contributions to the war as seen in the movie are too major to be anywhere close to historically accurate.

2) Don’t take the movie too seriously. Along with the historical issues just stated, Tarentino has this way through cheesy 80s effects and music, as well as long, casual conversations at seemingly tense and pivotal moments, to offer up some humor to keep viewers from even considering this is a drama.

3) Prepare to read a lot of subtitles. If this isn’t your thing, beware. The subtitle thing goes a little deeper though. Sometimes while characters are speaking foreign languages, there are no subtitles at all. Also, at some points words like Monsieur will be translated to Mister, but other times will be implanted as Monsieur. I caught this a few times, and whether it’s an intended or not, it’s hard to say.

I have a hard time recommending or not recommending this movie, because it’s very dense. I know when I walked out of the theatre, I thought it was more Jackie Brown and less Reservoir Dogs; it seemed like a bit of a misnomer. However, after thinking about it and having conversations with people who loved it and other people who hated it, I think I’ve come to my conclusion. I did, in fact, really enjoy this movie, and it’s dripping with the style that I do so love in Tarentino films. The acting was superb, the characters were great, the direction was excellent, and the effects were tip-top, making this one more of Tarentino’s monolithic contributions to American cinema. Bravo.

I'm carryin the wheel - the search for validation

It's the mid-day and I've managed to drag myself from my house into the humid, sticky day. Clouds cascading the sky, warm air peters into my window and blowing in my face. It's a nice day, and while most people would disregard this as a "shitty weather" type of day, I'm fine with it. I like the clouds and I like when it rains, and I like this humid but generally cooler weather that is associated with this type of climate at this time of year.

Then, all of a sudden, while passing by the old Exxon station, I see something that wipes the joy out of the moment. On the car in front of me, a sticker reads:

2 TEACH is
2 TOUCH a life
4 EVER

So, boys and girls, I pose a question. Why is it that teachers need to add this level of importance, this prestige to their title?

And I'm not, for fear of the over-cynicism of my future career, denigrating the importance of a teacher in a student's life. Teachers can teach many things, on and off the books. And yes, they can recognize that potential in students and give them an opportunity they couldn't have afforded in any other way. And this has happened.

However.

Why is it so necessary to strive to gain this kind of attention-seeking recognition? Teachers who do this seem to be the adult version of a girl who, say, creates drama or says she's pregnant to capture attention or to trap a guy in a relationship.

Teachers do good work. They educate, and education is important because the acquisition of it can lead to pursuing future careers, realizing the self, and affording opportunities. Furthermore, a teacher should theoretically care about their students (nevermind the experience I've had in the teacher's lounge, where teachers poke fun at their students for mistakes or personality or disabilities or whatever).

But ya know what? A lot of other professions do good things too. Policemen, when not being tools and ticketing for retarded bullshit, sometimes may or may not help people and preserve safety within a community. Plumbers may rotorooter your toilet so it's not blocked up with shit anymore. The librarian stocks books and shit. Et cetera. Most careers fill some sort of niche in society that is useful for one thing or another.

Yeah, there's that occasional situation where a teacher takes interest in a student and through their support the student, say, doesn't kill themselves or something. But really, this isn't a teacher saving a life. This is a person. Anyone could be this person.

Here I'm going to do what you're supposed to do with blogs, and refer to a different blog, which is to be found here. Here's an actual teacher talking about the trials and tribulations of her profession, but how it's so worth it because of the job she is able to do. Bullshit, I say. Everyone has hardships at their job and any person could act as a role model for a child.

A few translations:
"2 teach is 2 touch a life 4ever" = I have no other purpose in my life but my job which happens to be an indispensable service...therefore I'm important.

apple sticker on a car = A teacher feels it necessary to point out the fact of their self-worth

"a good teacher is long remembered" = a teacher may be remembered in passing for remembering something or having sweet projects or a cool personality.

From the desk of Yeshua - male personalities through piss

There are three types of guys.
1) The guy who pisses on the seat and doesn't clean it up
2) The guy who will only clean up the piss he has left.
3) The guy who will piss on the seat, and clean up others' piss also.

Sure, this is kind of silly, but I think it works as a metaphor.

1. These are the selfish guys, who piss all over the world, so to speak. Napoleonic and warmongery, these men take and take, and have a brash, egocentric philosophy on the world.

2. These guys are individualists, and while they are at least responsible for their own actions, there's an implied weakness in them. Because of this weakness, they inherently bear a grudge to the world for which problems arise, and are bothered by the other two categories. Egocentric in their own way, they only take responsibility for themselves.

3. Perceived as the most pathetic guys, these Gandhi-loving (and often-quoting) individuals take the world upon their shoulders.


What is clear is that all these are flawed, and obviously there's no such thing as a good man without any time of inherent.

And I'm tired of writing this