There's no Greek Task Force to prevent hazing by life

Naive thought: Graduation is a time when a student can look back upon his own academic career and smile. The student proud and ready (though possibly reluctant), graduation is that seemingly panultimate accomplishment before we are able to "grow up," to transition from a student to a professional.

Subtitle 1: Naivety unwoven
Seemingly, I should be very excited right now. This entire semester, though, has just pushed and pushed me, put me down, worn my spirits...and this past week especially. Fuck.

This semester has been one long, creaky, churning meat grinder. I don't know what I want, all I know is I want it over.

Subtitle 2: Relish
My mom and I have a tradition that we've had since I was a kid. It's not Christmas-themed, but it'll have to do. Every year we make my mom's cranberry relish. We use one of those old-fashioned metal grinders with the giant crank on the side. You shove the cranberries and the oranges down into the metal shits inside, and you crank the handle and it's pushed up against a grate, thereby creating the relish that is ever-so-enjoyed by our family.

Isn't this our lives? Aren't we just shoved down by unmoveable fingers, prodded along, grinded into something useful not even for ourselves, but someone else or society? Before we reach that inevitable, unavoidable stage of our lives, our old selves have to die. It's a kind of circle of life thing.

I've never felt more used and so powerless as I have as of late.

Subtitle 3: The broken bond

Senior sendoff is a time when the seniors kind of get paid a modest homage for serving the chapter. It is the last time the seniors get to see some members of the chapter, and as such, it's kind of a special time. It's not luxurious or fancy, and it's not a big deal; senior sendoff doesn't usually go longer than an hour, and it's incredibly informal.

This semester, up until last week, I had heard no mention of senior sendoff. Being as how I'm a graduating senior, this worried me a little. I got on the phone to the pres and the social chair and everyone I could to try and get this going.

It shouldn't be my responsibility, but I worried it wouldn't happen without my prodding.

So a date and time was set which was kinda gonna interfere with an interview, but hey; I'd get there in time. Interview got bumped anyways and I was real excited that i'd be able to be on time. I gathered all my shit, happy to be passing it down to the younguns and others.

And senior sendoff didn't happen. Everyone was working or visiting friends at other schools. I've received apologies and the promise that "we've gotta do something to make it up to him" but it's all just words. It doesn't make any difference over what happened.

And I'm not gonna elaborate or QQ or go emo about how I expect this little thing out of a fraternity that I've contributed to and the friends I've made, but it's just disappointing. Greek organizations purport a lifelong bond, but I feel moreso like a rug was just pulled out from under me, that my inner feeling of brotherhood died an untimely death.

It's just sad, is all.

Subtitle 4: The long road to disappointment
So today I had an interview in Delaware. An hour and a half away. I was nervous, but excited.

When I got there to meet with the principal, the secretary seemed surprised, having heard nothing about our interview. The principal, I found out, had gone home sick, and not called me to let me know he couldn't make our interview. So I drove that long way home, for nothing.

Subtitle : The "why" factor
Why look forward to graduation? Why look forward to Christmas and teaching and all that shit? I just feel raw and down and shitty.

I just felt this whole semester like I'm being hazed. nothing is ever good enough, stressed all the time. Miserable. Life is shit.

Gay.