The undeniable apathy

So as summer passes by and fail to meet my personal deadlines in pretty much any aspect, I find myself wondering, "Why?"

I realize apathy itself as a word is something that makes people groan. It makes me groan when I hear it. I think it's just attached itself to that emo or that lazy person who uses it to transfer responsibility away from themselves.

Right now I find myself in an on-campus computer lab. I was basically just a TA for a class as part of my work for our writing center. It was great, but I still have a sorta reticence to interfere and to check on students when they're working. The prof was pretty encouraging.

I find myself very often fretting about student teaching. Day by day, what will I do? My coop has given me these resources but I still have yet to really get into what I'm going to do day by day. And what's more mystifying is I seem to just be blowing off my responsibilities in it.

There's some kind of illogical duality here...why would I not work on something I'm worried about? It seems more complicated than laziness; it feels like some sort of defense mechanism. I'm really just...afraid, I guess. I kinda fucked up on my junior bloc experience, and I'm real worried this shit isn't gonna go well, and my coop is just very laissez-faire, and it makes me nervous to experiment.

I dunno.

Other than that, Summer has been the same. I don't know why people always think during the school year that summer will be so awesome. It never is. Summer is boring because instead of the 20-30 friends you normally have around that can bullshit around school schedules, there's 3-5 friends that are usually working heavily or doing nothing and bored. I have my own ways of coping, and they're pretty successful. I wow, and I wow hard. It's been good, despite my account being hacked recently; instead, I've been playing an an alternate character. I got my own back recently, and am planning my three day work week in that regard.

I'm tutoring and kinda (?) working at Average Joe's. I haven't calle dthem this week for availability, but it's not like I have any repurcussions for shitting all over them. My job is awful and great at the same time.

Writing-wise, I've done my normal in-class exposition. Right now I've been on-and-off excited about a series. I wrote sort of a prologue to what could be a large collection of stories (and really seems like more the opening to a television series) about four guys who move far away. Call them expatriates; these guys for whatever reason felt held down in their former places of residence, and now the world is open to them after moving. Of course, this is based upon my often preoccupation with the idea that this area is shit, and I can go pretty much anywhere else and it would be monumentally better in every regard. It's not so much in a blind idealism way as it sounds. This area just has nothing spectacular about it, and there are so many better place I could be than here. I've wasted this part of my life in Millersville at a mediocre university. And it would just sadden me endlessly if I didn't believe in some sort of religious repeat system (call it reincarnation if you will). However, I don't need to continue living in this place that I don't like at all. I need to get out of here, and my characters felt the same way.


Why do people want to stay here? What is so great about it? Why do people go away to college to open up endless possibilities for themselves just to move back to their hometown. Ugh. I'll probably write the prologue here when I have time, but now I have class. Later.

"The truth is is I just hate when people are who others expect them to be"